We’ve all heard the age-old saying, “teamwork, makes the dream work”. It is used during competitive sporting events, class projects, and collaborations in the workspace and I recently used it in an Escape Room! So, what is it about being a team that fulfills the dream?
When a team works together, it helps individuals on that team feel valued, confident, productive, motivated, accountable, creative, attuned and gives them a feeling of true belonging. It also gets the job done… or simply, the dream met!
Why Teamwork is Essential in Parenting
What does this have to do with parenting? Children are automatically programmed, like adults, to be more productive when they feel valued, heard, safe and loved.
If you take a close look at psychologist Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development you will notice that the need for “autonomy” emerges as early as two-years old. We are of course, not saying, let a two-year old do exactly what they want just because they are seeking autonomy – we are simply observing that the need emerges at that very young age.
How can a 2-year old have autonomy?!
Parents can help give their child autonomy by simply giving them the authority to choose between two pre-selected, parent-approved choices. From that very early age, teaming up with your child enables feelings of validation, confidence, empowerment, and safety.
7 Ways to Team Up With Your Child
1. Use Inclusive Language
Using language that includes words like “we” and “us” can be helpful to minimize isolation, shame, guilt and defensiveness.
For example, by saying to your child “It’s our responsibility to make sure that we take care of each other’s feelings by using kind words, even if we are really upset” can send the message that not only is kindness important, but it’s a shared value held within the team (family).
2. Express Curiosity
Ask questions rather than make assumptions.
Curiosity will help your child to open up about what they are experiencing. Even if you think you know exactly what is going on, letting your child answer questions will help them verbalize their needs and their answers may just surprise you!
Ask questions using objective observations and bring awareness to any judgments or preconceived notions you may have. For example, saying “I’m wondering what you’re feeling right now? I notice that you are quiet.” would be a more effective way of expressing curiosity versus “Are you angry? Why do you just shut down like this?”.
3. Reflective Listening
Reflecting back what you hear your child say can open up a door to further dialogue. It gives your child the ability to clarify what you may have heard them say and an opportunity to elaborate.
Starting with the words “What I heard you say was…” can be more helpful than “You said;” it leaves the room for clarification without conflict.
4. Validation
Validating someone’s feelings does not necessarily mean you agree with them. You are simply letting them know that what they are feeling holds truth for them, even if you do not feel the same way.
Normalization of feelings decreases shame and guilt and increases communication and cooperation. For example, “I understand that you’re feeling frustrated. Frustration is a very natural emotion to come up when we aren’t able to do something we really want to.”
5. Empathize
Empathy is the key to connection and healthy relationships.
Try and put yourself in your child’s shoes and understand where their feelings and behavior come from. For example, “I can understand that, and I too would feel disappointed if I practiced as hard as you did and didn’t win”. We want to normalize emotions. We cannot control what feelings come up; we can only control how we respond to them.
6. Create Scaffolding
Without taking over your child’s decision-making ability, create a building block around them to help them make choices independently. The parent’s role is to play witness and guide because support, structure and encouragement are the three core components of Scaffold Parenting. Children are figuring life out through trial and error. Offer support, resources, boundaries and open dialogue can help a child feel secure and build trust with you while exploring their independence.
7. Collaborative Problem Solving
It is very natural for parents to go into “fix it” mode. Collaborative and Proactive Solutions is the answer to help you solve the problem together.
The points discussed above all lend to this step. You want to:
- Define the problem as you see it (objectively and without judgment);
- Gather as much information to fully understand it (through curiosity and reflective listening);
- Identify options for solutions (scaffolding – encourage creativity from your child and come up with a few options of your own);
- Assess options together to determine what may work (using inclusive language, empathy and validation);
- Create a concrete plan (when, where, who, how) together in order to implement it successfully.
The collaborative teamwork approach can help your child feel empowered to make choices that are helpful to them and the whole family unit. In the end, teamwork is the necessary ingredient to foster an open, healthy relationship with your child. Teamwork makes a parent’s dream work!
