As vibrant rainbows and flags fill the air this Pride Month, it’s a powerful reminder of the incredible diversity that enriches our world. For many parents, this month also brings into focus a deeply personal journey that we encounter a lot in our work as therapists: supporting a child who is questioning their gender and/or sexual identity.
This can feel like uncharted territory, perhaps even daunting, but it’s an opportunity to strengthen your bond and ensure your child feels unconditionally loved and accepted. The biggest advice we can give you: do not mistake this opportunity for showing care and love as a time to project a manifestation of your own worries and fears onto your kiddo.
In this post, we’ll explore practical ways to navigate these conversations with empathy, curiosity, and unwavering support, truly embodying the spirit of Pride by celebrating your child for exactly who they are.
As a parent, few things are as universally challenging and rewarding as watching your child grow and discover who they are. This journey of self-discovery is often filled with exciting milestones, but it can also present unexpected turns. When your child comes to you with questions, uncertainties, or even clear statements about their identity, you might be feeling a whirlwind of emotions – perhaps confusion, concern, a desire to understand, or even a sense of loss for the future you envisioned. Please know that all these feelings are valid, and you are not alone.
The first and most crucial step is to approach your child’s questioning with genuine curiosity rather than immediate judgment or fear. Remember, your child is likely grappling with their own complex emotions and trying to make sense of an internal landscape that may feel unfamiliar to them as well, let alone the feelings that may come up when voicing these thoughts to you.
It is also likely your child has been spending a great deal of time with these thoughts on their own before voicing them to another. Though it may be sudden or new information to you, there is a great deal of strength that it takes to navigate questions of identity on your own as a child. Imagine the courage it takes to voice these deeply personal thoughts.
1. Listen actively: When your child speaks, give them your full, undivided attention. Put away distractions and make eye contact. Let them lead the conversation and share at their own pace.
2. Validate their feelings: You don’t have to understand everything immediately to validate their experiences. Phrases like, “Thank you for sharing this with me, I know it can be hard to talk about,” or “It sounds like you’re really thinking deeply about who you are,” can go a long way in creating a safe space.
3. Avoid interrogating: While it’s natural to have questions, try to resist the urge to pepper them with “why” questions. Instead, offer open-ended invitations to share more, such as, “Can you tell me more about what you’re feeling?” or “What does this mean to you?”
One of the most powerful ways you can support your child is by educating yourself with openness. There is a wealth of accurate and affirming information available about sexual orientations (like gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual, etc.) and gender identities (like transgender, non-binary, genderfluid, cisgender, etc.).
While it may be tempting to turn to your child with these questions, rather seek to educate yourself without placing the educational burden on your little one. Trust us, your child will more likely appreciate the external labor.
* Seek reputable sources: Look for information from organizations dedicated to LGBTQ+ youth and families, such as The Trevor Project, PFLAG, Campaign for Southern Equality, The Gender Education Network, and the Human Rights Campaign. These organizations offer reliable resources, glossaries of terms, and parent support groups.
* Understand the difference between sex and gender: It’s important to differentiate between biological sex (assigned at birth based on physical characteristics) and gender identity (one’s internal sense of being male, female, both, neither, or somewhere else along the gender spectrum).
* Learn about gender expression: Gender expression refers to how a person outwardly presents their gender, which may or may not align with their gender identity.
Prioritize Your Child’s Well-being Above All Else
Your child’s mental and emotional well-being should be your paramount concern. Research consistently shows that LGBTQ+ youth who are affirmed and supported by their families have significantly better mental health outcomes, including lower rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide attempts. Studies have shown that having just one affirming adult in an LGBTQ+ child’s life lowers the chance of a suicide attempt by nearly half.
* Use affirming language: Ask your child what pronouns they want you to use for them (he/him, she/her, they/them, etc.) and use them consistently, and correct yourself quickly when you misstep. If they express a desire to try a new name, try your best to use it. This simple act of respect can have a profound positive impact. It will also let your child know that they have your support and care, even through exploration. This is a huge step in letting your child know you trust them to know their internal experiences best.
* Protect them from harm: Sadly, not all environments are safe or affirming. Be vigilant about bullying, discrimination, or unsupportive attitudes from others. Advocate for your child in school and other settings.
* Connect with supportive communities: For both you and your child, finding affirming communities can be incredibly beneficial. This could be through local LGBTQ+ centers, online support groups for parents, or youth groups. Seeing others who are thriving and accepted can be life-changing.
Remember that identity is complex and evolves over time. Your child’s current questions may lead to a clear understanding, or they may continue to explore as needed. The most important thing is to remain a consistent source of unconditional love and support throughout their journey.
This Pride Month (and every month!) remember that your love and acceptance are the most powerful tools you possess as a parent. Embracing your child’s journey of self-discovery, whether it involves their gender identity or sexual orientation, not only builds an unbreakable bond but also fosters a sense of belonging and resilience that will empower them for life.
When your child is a grown adult, they will remember how you responded during this time. We hear it every day in our sessions with our LGBTQ+ clients. By creating a home filled with open dialogue, unwavering support, and genuine celebration of authenticity, you’re not just supporting an individual; you’re contributing to a more inclusive, compassionate, and truly proud future for everyone.
Historically, the mental health field has not been kind when it comes to gender and sexual diversity. There has been much institutional harm caused to the LGBTQ+ community by those in our industry. It is a priority of our practice to intentionally right that institutional wrong by offering out loud, bold, affirming, and compassionate mental health care.
Here at ChangeWell Psych, we are proudly affirming of all gender and sexual identities. All of our clinicians are affirming, with both providers of lived experience and those of fierce allyship with specialized training and the utmost dedication to being inclusive both in the therapy room and outside of it. If you or someone you love would benefit from inclusive, affirming, and compassionate mental health care, we are the practice for you. Please contact us today.
